Facing Father's Day - when a Dad has died
For many, Father’s Day is a moment of celebration. For others, it’s a sharp reminder of absence. The loss of a father, whether recent or long ago, can make this day especially painful. In a society becoming increasingly aware of grief but still unsure of how to acknowledge it, people may offer platitudes: “He’s in a better place,” “He wouldn’t want you to be sad,” or simply “Stay strong.” But strength does not mean silence and it takes courage to own up to pain, so it’s okay if this day hurts.
Below, we highlight what it’s like to lose a father at different stages of life and offer some thoughts for how you might take care of yourself around Father’s Day.
1. If Your Father Died When You Were a Child
Losing a father as a child is a particularly difficult loss. Often, it's not just the loss of the person - it's the loss of future memories you never got to make. You might feel like you missed out on guidance, protection, or simply being known by him as you grew. Father's Day can stir up questions like, "What would he have thought of who I am now?" or "Would he have been proud of me?"
It can also be complicated if you don’t remember him well, if you were separated anyway, or if the memories are shaped more by what people told you than what you lived. These can create a strange mix of grief, guilt, and confusion. You might not even know what you’re feeling - just that it hurts.
What may help:
· Consider writing a letter to your dad, telling him about your life now. You could take it to the grave or a place that you know that was special to him and leave it there.
· Look at old photos to prompt memories and/or write down what you remember.
· Talk to someone who knew your Dad and record what they say.
· Give yourself permission to mourn however complicated it might be.
2. If Your Father Died When You Were a Young Adult
In your teenage years or your twenties, we are just beginning to step out into life – in our careers, relationships and independence. If our father dies during this time, it can feel like our foundation is ripped out from underneath. We can be left facing huge life decisions without his guidance, or milestones that feel emptier without him there.
There might also be regrets - things left unsaid, or time you thought you'd have that never came. This kind of bereavement can be very isolating, especially when peers are still talking about their dads, asking them for advice, or celebrating with them on Father’s day.
What may help:
· Create your own Father’s Day ritual - something private, like a walk, a meal he enjoyed, or doing something you know he would have enjoyed.
· Talk to someone your dad was close to. Let them tell you stories that might give you a fuller picture of who he was.
· Say the things you didn’t get to say – to yourself, in a journal, or to someone close.
3. If Your Father Died When You Were an Adult
Even as an adult, losing our father can be very hard. We expect our Dads to die before us but when they do it can feel like we lost a part of us and our story, and it can leave us feeling ‘top of the pack’. We might have shared a deep relationship or perhaps a difficult one. Both come with their own grief. And we may now be parenting our own children, navigating the absence of a grandfather, or reflecting on our own aging in the shadow of his death.
Society often expects adults to “cope” better, but grief doesn’t ease with age. In fact, the longer we knew the person the more we can feel we have lost. You may find yourself suddenly emotional at the supermarket when you see a Father's Day card. It’s not weak to grieve a parent as an adult, it recognises their importance in our lives.
What may help:
· Let yourself cry if you need to. Emotions are not something to manage away - they’re something to feel.
· Share stories of your Dad with people you trust. Keeping his memory alive can be healing.
· If your relationship was difficult, you can still grieve what could have been. That’s just as valid to grieve.
.Visit our Memorial Pages to create a lasting space of remembrance with photos and messages from you and all.
For all those grieving the loss of a Dad on Father’s Day:
· Wear an AtaLoss ‘Remembering Someone’ badge to signal to others that you’re grieving and open the door to conversation and support.
· Consider creating an Online Memorial Page where you can share memories and photos with others who miss him too.
· Do something in his memory, such as gathering together or raising funds for AtaLoss. The London to Brighton cycle ride is coming up in September. Could you get sponsors to ride in aid of AtaLoss?
· Join a The Bereavement Journey® group to share with others and process your loss.
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